Frustrated

I was reading a blog by a wonderful woman the other day that has stuck with me (Equal but different)

Did it hit a chord ? Sure. Can I understand ? Yes. Just like the simple truth that I am a man but I can still understand non gender specific feelings like fear, to be shunned, shame, guilt, even the "guilt" that you have done something wrong but haven't.

What struck me (so stupidly) was how the writer, Kim, was set upon. Now I understand that there were some apologies made but what I struggle with is this concept that "You have to put yourself in my shoes and understand my side of the story" and then completely negate what others feel etc. and not put themselves in others shoes as they demanded.

I understand that this is human nature. I also understand that there are people that have so much pain and/or anger they can never approach certain subjects without this "bias".

How can we ever know what it really like to be of the other gender really ? Is it really about gender ? Or is it really about human nature ?

I believe we can never have true equality until we stop focusing on the past and differences and start working on the similarities, the future.

If I were a boy ....

I have to say that Beyonces latest song "If I were a boy" is another piece of wonderful music, showing great talent but unfortunately feeds into the demeaning, anti male sentiment going around.

I'll explain a little, but please try to put yourself into a young mans shoes, someone vulnerable...

"But you're just a boy" To call an adult male a boy, well this is just demeaning. The fact that he may not know what that is may be because of the conflicting messages being sent by society.

"You don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl" Of course because you're male how can men have feelings ? Men are incapable of loving another human being only women can love women. Clearly not the case.

"Someday you’ll wish you were a better man"
According to who ? Who decides on what it is to be a "better" man ? A woman ? The fact that one tries to be a better person to those around them is what's important. But is that really gender specific ?

"You don’t listen to her"
That's not a gender issue, that's human nature

"You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted"
Really ? Tell that to all the men out there that like so many women suffer in silence. Suffer in silence because that's what men are supposed to do.... "take it like a man", "stop complaining", "just get on with it" or even shame, shame that their wife abuses them and they "allow" it to happen or are just not "man enough" to sort it out.

"And everything you had got destroyed"
What ? Mens lives are never destroyed by their partners actions ? Men being falsely accused by their ex partners and then being protected by the system ?

"But you're just a boy…"

The subtle message here is that men clearly can't understand what it is to be a man or woman and only a woman can do that. What gives so many women the right to make generalist claims like this, when the same sort of claims made against women are shouted down and seen as sexist and discriminatory etc ?

What gives women the right to claim that they and only they can tell men what it is to be a man ?

Maybe the feminist movement needs to step up and be accountable for the damage done to men in their formative years as a child whilst in the (generally) dominated care of women ? Is it going to help, I don't believe so because this "tit for tat" approach has got us nowhere fast to date so why continue ?

What message is being sent to the next generation of men, that you will never live up to my expectations as a woman ? That you are useless ? That those feelings you have aren't feelings and that only women can have feelings ?

What is it saying to young women ? You have to do it because men are useless ?

We all know that these views are detrimental to the gender differences we are experiencing now and people willing to speak up about the fact that it is offensive to some will be abused for doing so.

It seems that every time it looks like we are getting closer to equality, we start moving away again.

An open letter

Well here's my first attempt at a poem ....

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry if I do something that upsets you
I'm sorry if I say something that hurts you
I'm sorry for not being there
I'm sorry for not doing what others may do

I'm sorry for not remembering the important things
I'm sorry for forgetting what I was supposed to bring
I'm sorry if I ask you to go somewhere uncomfortable
I'm sorry if I want to know what makes you sing

and if you cannot accept me for what I say and do
then most of all I am sorry for you.

My first musical

Well finally saw my first live musical, Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Gotta say wow ! After getting over how small the place was, then the fact that there were real people down there (as opposed to the TV style of "real people") I started to really enjoy it. Well, I might have to see it again coz I think I "enjoyed" certain characters more than others and I think I missed some things.

Anyway, the after show party we had back at the hotel was one of the best nights/mornings I've had for a long long long time. To see my friends have such a great time would have to be the best of the lot.

Mmmm time to organise another. :-)

Gob smacked

I was reading a favourite blog of mine and found a recent entry about this and was stunned.

Here is another example of the double standards some judges seem to have. I cannot believe that any "educated" person could think twice about blaming the 14 year old, any 14 year old for the behaviour of an adult.

Would society sit idly buy if it were a man and a 14 year old girl. Certainly not ! So why does society turn a blind eye when the victim is male ?

Equality needs to be applied across the board, for all people, otherwise how can it be called equality ?

Peoples perceptions and assumptions

Well I got a call from a friend the other day asking me if I could be his "Man Date" for the night because his date had pulled out at the last minute. After quizing him about what the night was about, the fact that there was free drinks and whether I was the last on the desperation list I agreed.

For the next couple of days I felt I made a mistake as I'd rather spend time watching movies with my wife and kids but I cleaned myself off and went anyway. Well after all the drinks were for free.

Before we got there, I was given specific instructions that if he finds a suitable lady there not to spoil things for him (as if, well actually...) so a female friend who is expecting their first child and I conspired to spoil his chances by either me walking up annoyed by his antics, the female friend implying that the child was theirs or the two of us making it a very interesting time.

None of which happened unfortunately.

What did happen was that when we arrived and as I was introduced to different people, the rumour mill started and when I say it started it was deafening. Heads turned and little muffled conversations kicked off with plenty of looks backwards and forwards between my friend and I. All very entertaining to me because I knew what it was about.... yup he's brought a male date so he must be gay !

Well I spoke to my friend today and has he been teased ? Shyeah !

It's amazing how people can take a simple gesture by a drinking buddy and turn it into a sexual thing. Oh and the funniest thing is is that the culprits were predominately women !

Unrealistic needs

I was talking to a friend the other day and he was telling me how he felt that his needs were being trivialised and not seen as important by his partner.

We all know that men like a little "kiss & cuddles", preferably on a regular basis. I would have to say that based on my experience this rates pretty high on the importance scale for a man. On the other side, women seem to prefer the romantic "kiss & cuddles" and the male version is of lesser consequence.

Now when he mentions the fact he feels that his needs are not being met sufficiently, he is quickly put back in his place, even if it's in front of friends, family maybe even strangers (This goes back to my previous post on respect).

Basically, he is being told that his needs are irrelevant, not important and he is made to feel lesser because he had the hide to raise the point in the first place. Once this happens too many times, he will retreat and the communication between the two will start shutting down.

From his perspective, it doesn't matter whether he wines & dines her, meet her needs whether they be emotionally, financially etc she seems to always belittle his needs.

His response from this form emotional abuse, indifference.

I thought ...

I'd do some spring cleaning but ....




thought better of it !

Doctors ...

Well you know how it is, men and doctors are like oil and water we don't mix well.

I've been having this problem for a couple of months and our son was having a bout of bali belly so I decided to book him in for the quacks.

Don't you know it, the day he was due to go in he was fine so I decided to go in instead. You know, why waste an appointment.

Well after a quick chat, I got some tablets and sent on my way with another appointment for next week. After a couple of days these tablets are fantastic ! The big question is .......

Why did I wait so long ?????

When you know the answer, please let me know.

Dog house continued

Well after a bit of deliberation, I went back to the dog house. Together with a coffee (or five) and some decent music, I go the dust off about half of the surfaces. The garden blower worked a treat !!

Then I noticed that there was some surface rust on my machinery. Boy was I happy.... NOT !! What an idiot, I didn't cover everything and certainly didn't treat the surfaces to be unused for so long.

Anyway after some manual labour (yuck) I finally got them half decent ready for use.

All I need is to shake this lake of enthusiasm and I'm there. Maybe my absence has something to do with this.

Teenage Suicide

I recently saw a story on a 17 year old student, Hannah Modra on the ABC.

To say that it touched me would be an understatement. To hear about this wonderful girl suffering from depression and then to end it in such a way broke my heart.

To hear the family talk about the depression, the signs, everything that happened made my heart go out to them.

As easy as it is to say, we as parents etc must never let our own lives and what's going on in them to prevent us from seeing the mental anguish that our teenagers may be going through. Obviously, we also have to keep an eye out with other family members and friends.

I'd rather upset them by trying to discuss the situation and avoid that possible confrontation and face the alternative.

There are a pile of organisations to help. Please, if you suspect something, don't wait.

In the dog house ...

Well, it's that time of year, yup spring cleaning.

I'll be honest, cleaning is not my forte. I've tried to get other, more experienced people to do it for me but nope. I got the old "I've got my own to deal with let alone doing yours", you know. I would've thought that it gets easier with more experience ! Boy was I wrong! Nah just kidding.

Anyway, so there I am, opening up the roller doors into the dog house (AKA workshop). Not looking forward to seeing what I am about to see, a workshop with more dust on every surface that I've ever seen before!

So before I started, I thought about the last time I had been down there .... mmmm let me see.... last week, no, last month, noooo, it hasn't been that long has it, yup pretty close to 12 months ago ! That rabbit sensation came up again but at least this time, no one else was around to see it.

So after pottering around, doing a recce of the situation, I retreated back inside to decide on the best approach to this situation. I'll let you all know when I think of one, check back in October .... 2012.

Another example of easy pickings...

Well here's another example of a mature woman being caught and found guilty of having sex with an under age boy and getting a sentence that makes a mockery of the legal system.

When a male is convicted of the same offence, the book is pulled out, thrown and then the media come down like vultures, going for the pickings. But it appears that when a woman does the same thing, they get a slap on the wrist and asked to move on.

Boys and teenagers see that having an older woman is manly, cool etc and seen as acceptable, this is supported by society through the media supporting that view. The fact of the matter is that it is still illegal and therefore the same punishments metered out regardless of whether the victim is male or female.

Additionally, by having this "warped" view, what are we doing to the men of tomorrow ? What about the psychological damage being perpetrated on them ? Not only do these boys come away being scarred by the abuse, they (and others) are being told that it's ok, just go along with it, the law doesn't apply to you like it does females.

We constantly hear that girls mature faster than boys but yet when an adult takes their power as an adult and abuses a under age male, it's deemed to be less severe than if the victim was female. Go figure.

No pressure

Well I decided earlier this year to not continue doing my martial arts and go to the gym instead to try to lose some ballast.

Well I went back a couple of weeks ago after a 9 month break and yesterday, after watching me gracefully glide across the floor (NOT!) , my Sensei politely "told" me (in front of the class) that it would be a good time for me to go for my next grading at the end of the year.

There was a moment there that I must have looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming car and once the shock had worn off I said .... Who ? Me ? Have you got the right person ? Are you wearing your glasses or what ?

Well I thought about saying it and it's the thought that counts isn't it ? mmm anyway, so I looked at him, smiled and decided to tell him what I thought about it and said "Yes Sensei".

Strange how you can think about things all you like but they sometimes never end up that way.

Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Days to all those dads out there.

There are a pile of dads out there living a dream. Their wife loves them, their kids are there to spend the day with them etc.

My heart and thoughts go to all those dads that can't spend their fathers day with their kids. I'm lucky enough to be in the "well off" category but yet can't stop thinking about all those who, for whatever reason, want to be with their kids but can't.

So Happy Fathers Day.

Coffee and memory loss

Apparently, caffeine intake equal to five cups of coffee a day for humans protects mice against memory impairments and reduces Alzheimer's pathology in brains.

Whoa ! Time to go and have another Java !!

Have a look ...

Respect

For years I've tried to understand why women place so much emphasis on love. Being in love, telling them that you love them, you know, making sure that they are told every day and more often if you can.

Now like other men, I have always seen the words "I love you" as just that, words. Something that is said far too often and become over used and hence have less meaning as a result. I'm only now starting to understand that it's what women want (and sometimes need) to hear often. It's what makes them feel wanted, needed and of course loved.

Now us men are simple, feed us, give us some lovin' and give us a TV and we are happy, right ? NOT !

Many of us, our fathers, grandfathers etc have gone through life questioning little. Why do we go through life not wondering why the words "I love you" mean less than they do to a woman ? Maybe we just don't care, there are more important things to life like being the bread winner, trying to be a man when the goal posts keep on moving and so on.

I had no idea until I read a book that explained that Respect is generally more important to a man than love. In fact respect is the way a woman can show that they love them.

Nothing says more than I love you than, "I respect your opinion, I respect your decision, I respect you".

Sure many people think they show respect, but in fact don't in a mans eyes. For example, I had this same discussion with my wife and within a few days, there she was mocking my need for respect in front of friends ! To say I was insulted, well what an understatement.

Upon confronting her about this I was politely told that she only highlighted to my friends wife the importance of showing respect to her husband, well if you took the mocking tone and smile from her face at the time, maybe just maybe.

To have spent the time explaining the importance of respect to her only to have her do this in the same week was akin to me telling her that I didn't love her.

Another example would be hiding things from your man. Whilst there would be some things that might be Ok. Generally, in a loving respectful relationship I would have to say there wouldn't be too many. So hiding the fact the bills haven't been paid, the kids school reports, that one of the kids has broken a window, whilst not telling him about these things can be explained by all sorts of reasons, this is what he could be hearing.

The bills haven't been paid ... "You can't provide for us"
The kids school reports... "I can't trust you to remain level headed"
One of the kids has broken a window ... "Let me look after it (because you can't)"

It's no wonder that so many men suffer from depression and why so many commit suicide when the subtle messages being sent from our family and friends (mostly unintentional in their case) and society (well that may be another story) tell us we are not loved or indeed lovable.

Maybe it's time for us all to learn to speak others love languages.

Trip away continued ...

Well as I mentioned in my previous post, I am not the fittest, I am in fact of the larger build so when I was in line for rides I would check out whether any larger guys were getting on the ride etc so that I could avoid the embarrassing experience of waiting all that time, then making people wait while I was extracted because I was too big for the safety gear etc.

I also don't like photos taken of me because of my size, I always look waaay larger than I feel and it can lead to me getting a little down over it. Sorry what was that ? Yes I am doing something about it by going to the gym 4-5 days a week.

Anyway, out of the dozen rides I think I was kicked off one for being too big. Well I like to say that the equipment was too small. :-) Built for kids and women even.

I can't remember which ride it was exactly but it was one of those rides where the restraint comes down over your head and sits on your shoulders and over your chest. I pulled it down and it wouldn't let me clip in the belt so an attendant came over to apply some force on it.

Here I was sitting there, self conscious (again) and this attendant started leaning on this restraint. To my surprise I wasn't feeling any pressure on my belly, the place I expected it to be, but my chest, my upper chest to be exact. I then realised that it's not my gut stopping me it's the fact that my upper body dimensions are larger than the average joe.

I finally started to understand what my wife was telling me that whilst I was way overweight, I was solidly built, broad shoulders and a barrel chest (as a friend politely pointed out). Of course doing resistance training at the gym has helped there too.

I still need to lose the weight but I now realise that this image that I have/had of myself has been distorted, clouded by my weight, sure I have to lose weight but I will never be a lean thin luvin machine that society, the media says we should all be, that's not my body type, but instead I'll be a nice hunk of a man.

I can live with that.

An trip away

Well I recently went away with the family to some theme parks (and shopping) and found myself in some deep thought.

It sort of happened like this ......

At the airport this athletic african american guy who I had never met before called me buff. Now I am certainly not fit, quite the opposite so I wasn't sure what I was challenged by the most being told that I was or being told that I was by a guy.

Then a few days later I had a tour guide playfully tap me on the bum with the paperwork he was carrying. Now once again was I having trouble with the tap itself or the fact that he was in fact a guy.

Finally, there was the flight attendant on the way home, lovely guy, just not my type.

So there I was getting noticed by guys more than I have ever been in the past. Were they sensing something that I wasn't aware of ? Was I a candidate to suddenly become gay ?

So off I went and did some self analysis, Was I gay ? Well after reviewing all these feelings and thoughts I did come to a conclusion and it was even more interesting to me than I thought it would be.

YEP ! I do like the ladies and that's where I'm staying. So ok I'm not gay (my wife will be pleased) but what about this yearning to spend time with other males talking about those sensitive, private things that most men say you must be gay to want to talk about ?

Well the jury is still out but at this time I believe that there is a clear distinction that men need to understand. It's quite simple really. Being gay (or straight) is not about your ability, willingness or need to talk to other men about personal things no being straight or gay has nothing to do with that it's just about your sexual preference, that's all.

Remember that women do it all the time, does that make them all lesbians ? Whilst many men would like that to be the case, clearly not.

Sooner men accept that we can be caring and sensitive to other men (especially our sons) and not label them as gay or wooses etc sooner we can start to live a more fulfilling life.

The need and desire to be emotionally close with another human being (whether they be the same sex or not) is not a always a sexual thing, it's a part of being human.

Even rappers feel ...

I was listening to Eminems Mockingbird and found it quite interesting to hear that a person like Eminem repeating those expectations placed on many men by family and in particular society.

His perceived failure to meet these expectations is clearly shown in his lyrics :

It's funny
I remember back one year when daddy had no money
Mommy wrapped the christmas presents up and stuck em' under the tree
And said some of em' were from me
'cause daddy couldn't buy em'
I'll never forget that Christmas
I sat up the whole night cryin'
'cause daddy felt like a bum
See daddy had a job
But his job was to keep the food on the table for you and mom
And at the time
Every house that we lived in
Either kept getting broken into and robbed
Or shot up on the block
And your mom was saving money for you in a jar
Tryin' to start a piggy bank for you so that you could go to college
Almost had a thousand dollars
Til someone broke in and stole it
And I know it hurt so bad it broke your mama's heart
And it seemed like everything was starting to fall apart

I look forward to the day when men are no longer put under this kind of pressure and more importantly, provides the support structures to help them when it doesn't happen rather than them getting angry or depressed leading to serious consequences.

Stephanie Ramage

I was listening to an interview with Stephanie Ramage on Dads on the Air. An article that Stephanie wrote called Georgia's female-supremacist family courts was a great article and furthermore to hear her discuss these issues was fantastic.

Interesting survey

A survey done by AskMen.com of 70,000 of their readers has shown some surprising (and not so surprising) statistics.

Some examples ...

• 77% of men look for a girlfriend with "wife potential"
• 76% believe they have a soul mate
• 77% have cried over a woman
• 83% say they should pay for the date (who said chivalry is dead)

I have an unproven theory and that is, in the past many men answered surveys in a way that did not truly reflect their beliefs etc, mostly because we tend not to face many of those feelings or challenge those beliefs because of where they might lead us.

I believe that as the years go by and as men become more comfortable with their feelings etc, some more truths will come to light that will see a marked change in the way we see other men and hopefully ourselves.

Maybe we will no longer be seen as Neanderthals but instead caring, understanding and seen and treated as equals in society just like women.

Fathers to be taken off birth certificates

I was listening to a podcast from Dads on the Air about how the New South Wales state government are pushing through legislation to take the word "Father" off birth certificates, not mothers, just fathers.

If birth certificates are there to be manipulated into a feel good trip for the non birth parent(s) then why not take mother off too ? Don't gay men have the same rights as women ?

What about those gay men that choose to have children, one may very well be the birth parent, should'nt they be on the birth certificate ?

Here we have a government trying to slip legislation in to remove not only the rights of fathers to be seen as their childs birth parent but also the childs right to know (should they choose to do so in the future) who their biological father is.

Lets not forget that this information may have an impact on the childs health and the health of their family.

Sure birth certificates have never been 100% accurate, there have always been a small number of women either knowingly or unknowingly putting the wrong man down as the father or even not putting the name on at all.

Does this really mean that that's a good reason to change it altogether. No.

Here we have a government taking away the rights of fathers and affected children to appease who ? The Gay & Lesbian Rights Lobby ? Are gay men really being represented here ? Is this what the majority of gay and lesbians really want or is there a better way of handling this ?

What I find even more amazing is that the silence from the media has been deafening. Other than a few newspaper articles I have seen little if any comment on this in the electronic media. Why is this ? What is it that scares the media into not letting people know what is really going on ?

The birth certificate is there to show the actual birth parents, the biological links to that child, not a financial tool to be used in the event of separation and certainly not a political statement against men.

Article 1

It's gotta start somewhere ...

I was talking with a friend about some of the recent and proposed changes to legislation in a couple of the other states that are inappropriate and will lead to social problems down the track and he told me that I should do something about it.

I proceeded to tell him how I couldn't because I can be a little "passionate" about some of the injustices going on around the place, in particular those perpetrated against men by special interest (minority) groups, the media and governments.

This does not mean that I am anti female, anti gay or anything the like, what it means is that as we celebrate who and what others are, we must remember to celebrate men, whether they are straight or gay, dads (or not), brothers or sons etc.

Anyway, after suggesting setting up my own blog and me proceeding to tell him that "nah I can't do that..." well here I am.

Now before we move on, let me state quite clearly, Equality for all is something I strongly believe in. Equality between the sexes, between races, different faiths, religious beliefs etc. But equality means equality.

The problem I see more and more is that the drive to this "equality" is the trampling over others rights and that some are using this for some hidden agenda that they have but are too gutless to say out loud.

This blog will be a small reflection of my journey, so let it begin ....